One (Unlearn)

I have been reading an interesting book these days – ‘The Almanack of Naval Ravikant.’ In the book, happiness is identified as the state of not missing anything. Reading it, I wondered if I had ever really been in a state of not missing something. (The answer came to me so fast, it felt like my inner being had been waiting its whole life for me to ask the question.)

While writing. It has only been when I write that I do not miss anything. I do not want anything, I do not pray for anything. I am no player stuck amidst destiny and will, then. Everything seems to harmonise when I write. There is only me and my words – nothing else in the world.

This conclusion should’ve been obvious but it ended up taking me quite by a surprise. But why? The answer came amazingly fast this time as well. (I wonder if I just needed to ask the right questions all along. Anyways..) My state of happiness did not come from anything that is ordinarily considered a cause of happiness. Perhaps, this was because the definition of happiness in the book differs from the notions of happiness held by the people in my surroundings. But it still wasn’t that I had been believing in popular notions around me when I found the answer. In fact, I had known for a long time that my idea of happiness ran contrary to the notions held close even by my family members. (Hmm…) I pondered too much over my answer and the question was thrown back to me. Why was I surprised when I knew that the popular notions did not coincide with my personal values of happiness?

Conditioning. (Sometimes, I wonder if I should be this fast at answers. I must’ve read a lot to be so quick. Dramatic praises aside…) I was conditioned to expect a certain kind of answer on the question I asked myself. Even though I didn’t believe in the teachings of my conditioning, I had not parted with it when I prepared myself for the answer. Thus, I had been sub-consciously expecting an answer that aligned with my conditioning despite my contradicting beliefs. (Hmm…ironical.)

We are conditioned to behave in a certain manner with regards to the tiniest of the things. And this affects all of us. Conditioning determines our decisions and reactions to almost everything in life. These days, one can often find posts on Instagram asking one to “unlearn conditioned responses” to different matters in life. Fascinatingly, we don’t even understand the entire implication of this demand – because of our conditioning on the matter. (Kaisi paheli zindagani… Ru..ru..ru… *facepalms*)

For years, when someone talked about unlearning, I thought I was supposed to unlearn superstition, casteism, colorism, racism, sexism, body-shaming etc. And when I grew up more, I added in the list – toxicity, abuse, manipulation, etc. It never occurred to me before that all I thought of unlearning belonged to the same category of social flaws that are popularly criticised. (Uff! What a realisation..) I never imagined unlearning basic steps of making food, showering, reading, and living life.

A lot of over-eating and anxiety could have been avoided if I only ate as much as I wanted to and left the plate covered till I recovered my desire to eat. But I didn’t do that. I had never been taught that. Instead, I once spent three hours slowly chewing food as I sat in front of the plate and anxiety ate me. I could have just covered the plate and done more important stuff. I did not. People with OCD can carry their irons to college or work to avoid fretting over the switch every five seconds after locking their gate, people with sensory issues can switch lights off at night and sit in absolute darkness as they work, people who do not have the energy to put together a meal for themselves can just eat raw vegetables instead of starving themselves; they don’t. I wonder how much time we waste over conditioned responses that continue harming us as we grow.

It is not impossible to unlearn anything, but it is difficult. It requires a good amount of perseverance and is not a linear journey. Humans learn through experience. But when those experiences fuel a pattern governing blind choices – it is better to unlearn them.

Often, we exhibit a pattern of glorifying the past when going gets tough. Hence, we are bound to seek refuge in our conditioning when life becomes stressful. We do that because we yearn for the glorified peace of the past and aim for the simplistic-looking predictability of the future. Obviously, it is a trap. The more we get wound up in our conditioning, the farther we get from objective thinking. This predictable lack of reasoning results in our own downfall. Our votes go to someone who belongs from a part of society we have been conditioned to vote for, our rights are given up to someone we have been conditioned to surrender our rights to, we do not think twice before following the same rituals of living countless times and seek comfort in familiarity while making ourselves totally vulnerable to any kind of future conditioning because we have no idea how conditioning actually works.

When I started this blog, I thought I would be writing about happiness. I guess, today just wasn’t the day for it. Well, whatever. Just make sure you aren’t conditioned for the wrong things, okay? Don’t give that abuser an extra chance, don’t give up on your rights anymore, don’t keep on treating yourself poorly, and don’t ask yourself to change in an instant too just because the change is right. Humans are sticky. We stick to people, memories, objects, money, status, conditioning and so much more. It takes time but it will be done with perseverance. Unlearn.