Studs (02.03.2023)

I’ll forgive you again
You’ll hurt me again
This is how we live and love
I haven’t known anything more

Eight (Thirsty)

Spiders don’t bother me. Lizards do. Lizards feel like robbers intruding on my privacy and I get very self-conscious. So, I never open my windows till it gets too suffocating to breathe. However, when I do open it, I keep a watch on the window the entire time, hitting the wall at regular intervals to make sure that approaching lizards run away.

Seven (My Mother In Me)

I sit cross-legged on the bed, notes on Code of Civil Procedure on my right thigh, the bare act to my left and inhale the sound of retro music playing on the radio. Mom loves Vividh Bharati.The AC cold swirls around in the air and pulls me by the tip of my nose to write […]

Six (Strength That Breaks)

ToMy childhood bestie, Today, on your birthday, I wanted to write you the most beautiful letter about our happiest memories. But then, I got reminded of how happiness hurts you these days. It’s gotten so far away, hasn’t it? My friend, you’re strong even when you cry. You cry these days, look at me with […]

flooding on 10.12.2022

A river down my throatI look out of the windowsAnd wind sittingOn the tip of my nose Blocks of truth shoved in my earDocuments of texts tainting the stonesBuds of warmth twisted around my heartThere is a burn seared on my cold fingertipsYour existence is lighter than our realityOur palms are too small to hold […]

11 paras of cholera

I gag at the mirror, the ugly sight
You tell me I chose to look like this
There’s cholera trying to stick to me
I scream, you shout back for negativity

To the young one inside

Okay to breathe in ‘n hold your tears
As long as you let loose occasionally
Ganga also floods the city
The moment it rains too bountifully.

Five (Crying, Music, and Nostalgia at Midnight)

I visited my music teacher, “Miss” as we call her, yesterday, accidentally crashed a 6 YO’s class, and sang with her classical songs as she played her very same worn harmonium that she played for me 10 years ago, 5 years ago, and even before Corona. I realised how far I had come from my roots, from Classical music, from Bangla. It felt like I was an outsider only in the home for visiting.

Four (The Good Kiddo)

I was a good kid for almost 15 years of my life. I never asked my family for money to party or permissions to leave the house. I seldom watched television for long hours. I sat for my mandatory 2-3 hours of study daily. I did my tuition homework, helped out in chores, ate what I was given, wasn’t too demanding, wore whatever was picked out for me, was praised often for my mature understanding, etc.

Three (Who have I been all along?)

When my gender dysphoria gets triggered, flashes of women scatter everywhere in my head and I compare myself to every single one of them – screaming inside and crying outside that it doesn’t work. That I don’t fit in. That I’m not like them, I’m not cis-gender. I look at my breasts and I get repulsed. I look at my vagina and get repulsed. I hate myself and self-harm during the triggers.